losing a loved one...can u stil maintain ur trust on GOD?

i was sitting in library, in hostel...preparing for my big exam after 15 days.. recieved a call from my dad, he said my mamaji(maternal uncle) is hospitalised..i asked..is he ok? "..yea..a bit serious,his BP fell down in morning.." papa, should i come home???.."no no, u carry on with ur studies."
10 mins later my elder brother called, sis, u come home, mama is serious..he's having internal bleeds..his BP is very low..
he was suffering from leukemia for 2 yrs..!
after 4 days was diwali, so there were so much traffic, it took me 5 hrs fr 2 hr journey..i kept callin in between, my brother kept sayin,he's pickin up, he's serious,we'l talk after u reach,he's fine.......!
my cousin then took me home, instead of hospital. i was continuously prayin, make him fine, make him ok,i was searchin for good omens...
"why are so many people here?" I stil dint give up my hopes, GOD pls, everything should be fine,..i saw my brother walkin upto me..."where is mama?"
i saw my another brother there... "DAMN...why dint u tell me???? when?"
"go inside, take care of mummy"
n i walked inside, holding my heart...everyone looked at me..."u were a doctor,why couldn u save him??"
n i saw my mom...shooing everyone..holding her sacred beads n reading prayers..dnt worry,he's okay...i was confused...? they all are crying, mom's saying he'll be okay...i stil held on to my GOD, no, he might be seriously ill , n he'll be fine.. n then i saw him...lying there wrapped in white sheet...now i wish i had not seen him that ways..:( coz now its just that face of his, i get reminded instead f his lively face that was in my memory!!!
all my maternal uncles n aunts were crying..my grand mother was insane!!
my grand father was quiet...i just heard him saying to him..."GOING????"
i told myself..there doesn exist any GOD in this world. had HE been there, he would not have let this happen to my mama. people survive inspite f cancer for yrs, n he went in just 2 yrs!!!!
i had never missed my prayers in yrs..but that time, i dint pray for days.
i just LOST all my TRUST with all that!!!
though..today, i say, watever happens, happens for good. coz if he had lived, being a doctor, i know what other pains he had to go through!!!
he god rid of the fear of DEATH he was living under,for past 2 yrs!!
though i stil today think,i wish this all is a dream n i see his smiling face again...but i know........!!!!